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Three months ago we discovered I was pregnant. Always wanting a large family and feeling that babies were a huge blessing from the Lord, we were ecstatic. The mother in me began planning and envisioning how things were going to be having four. We were so excited. The baby’s due date was December 18, 2013. Just in time for Christmas.

Two days ago I went to the doctor for a routine check up. It was going to be a quick prenatal appointment. The doctor placed the doppler on my stomach to hear a heart beat but there wasn’t one. Thinking maybe it was too faint to pick up, we went to do an ultrasound. Having had many ultrasounds in the past I knew what a “normal” baby should look like. The heart wasn’t beating. I knew right away but for some reason I thought it was unlikely that MY baby wasn’t alive. Somehow I must be immune to the statistic that miscarriages happen frequently. I wasn’t though. We spent 30 minutes watching that little miracle stand still inside my womb. Just as my world seemed to stand still. Pain happened instantly. Brokenness and sorrow. Anger and confusion.

Within 24 hours we were in the hospital room waiting for surgery. A surgery that would involve people pulling my baby from me. My perfect little baby, innocent and fragile would be removed from my womb. Words can’t explain the emotional roller coaster that is involved with miscarriage. Miscarriage. It’s such a funny word. So surreal.

I sit here now and I feel so empty. I wasn’t prepared for the emptiness. I feel so incomplete. 3 days ago I got a satisfaction knowing I had life growing in me. A life that was supposed to be there 6 more months. It’s so confusing why God lets these things happen. Why he decided to take my angel far too quickly. I take joy in knowing that His plans are far better than our own.

I am so grateful for my amazing husband. I always knew he was a wonderful guy but going through this I’ve seen just how amazing he is. He’s carried me through all the pain. I’m also blessed to have a remarkable family that has been so supportive along with friends who have offered constant prayers and remorse. Without these people and my peace giving Lord there’s no way I could have troupered through this. I’m so very thankful for all of them.

I have a new understanding for the pain and emptiness miscarriage leaves. I guess that will allow me in the future to give love and support to other women suffering.

A letter to my Little One:

Little One,

Emptiness. That’s what I feel. Emptiness. For 9 weeks I knew you were there. Enough time to think of your future. Enough time to dream about what you would be like. I already loved you. I grew attached to you. You were part of me. And now you’re gone. You’re no longer growing inside me. No longer taking breathes inside my womb. And I feel empty. Without you here with me I feel broken in so many ways. Incomplete. Like life is missing something. I did get to meet you though. I got to see you. They brought you to me. Although some would say you didn’t look much like a baby, I thought you were perfect. I helped create you. I was proud of how beautiful you were. As I stared at you I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was a God. You were a miracle. I was glad I got that chance. So many don’t.

 I know you’re in Heaven. In much better company, but I miss you. I feel sort of selfish because I’m a little mad that you aren’t still here. I’m mad that I won’t get to find out what you were or feel you move. Or hear your precious heartbeat again. I won’t get to hold you wrapped in a soft blanket or see you smile or hear you giggle. There are so many things I’m not going to experience. And I’m mad about that. It’s not fair. But I guess life isn’t fair. I must trust that God knew why He chose to take you. He knew better than I did. There was a reason He thought you would do better with Him than me. That’s hard to grasp. It just makes me sad. I guess if I had to chose, I would chose to be with Him. He will take care of you. I know He will.

 Although there are so many things I don’t understand, I know that you were special. I know that you were unique and I am thankful I got to carry you for the little time I had. I would do it again and again even knowing the outcome. And although I feel empty, God will fill me. I would be filled little by little knowing that you are being taken care of. He can shield you from the hurt of this world. He can protect you from the darkness. I can not do that and for that I am grateful. You get to be with Jesus every single second of your life away from me. That is pretty awesome. I will always try to think of how you are whole now. Completely whole. That will get me through the hard times. I miss you, Little One and I will always love you.



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