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I hate country music. Once my husband made me go to a country singer’s concert and the guy sang this song. I don’t even know who it was…that is how much I tried to block the pain from my past. IT WAS THAT BAD. But I did remember that song. And it just seemed so fitting today. I was so desperate to be pregnant again. To fill the void I felt was left inside me months ago. Month after month since our miscarriage we hopefully took pregnancy tests and waited for the famous “two pink lines”. For the last 6 months we had just received disappointment so when I took a home pregnancy test six weeks ago and got…well, 2 pink lines, I didn’t know exactly what to feel. In the first instant I was immediately flooded with fear. FEAR. Holding my 2 year old I just sat worried it would happen again. What if it did? Would I be able to deal with it better if it happened again? Because quite frankly I felt like I was an emotional mess. Completely and utterly a mess. Along with those fears, came feelings of guilt. How could I be excited about this baby? The baby that couldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for the fact that I lost the other. How could I really be excited about this baby? How was that fair to my baby in heaven? But then I felt guilty for not being as excited as I felt like I should be for THIS baby NOW. This baby deserved excitement throughout the pregnancy. This baby deserved the thrill. Going through this in my mind I got angry all over again. I was never going to be able to have a “normal” pregnancy again. There was always going to be fear that something would happen or that they weren’t going to be able to find the heartbeat again. This pregnancy and any other in the future would never be blissful in ignorance. I am way more educated now than ever before that so many things could go wrong. That angers me. I am just going to be blunt. It pisses me off.

In the past few weeks it’s like I couldn’t get excited. I couldn’t let myself get attached, because I needed to be prepared that something could happen again. In past pregnancies the second I found out I was pregnant there were immediately texts, facebook posts, pictures of pregnancy tests, phone calls…with this one, I told the bare minimum. And again, I felt guilty for not shouting it from the roof tops. In some ways it wasn’t that I was even worried something would happen. It was that I hadn’t really processed it. I had JUST came to comprehend weeks before that there was no longer a baby inside me. Now there was, which felt so sudden. People at my doctor’s office (whom I absolutely ADORE!!) would say, “I’m so happy for you.” And I would reply, “Thanks, we’re excited.” But honestly, I can’t say that I was truly “excited”, more like a mixture of sad/worried/angry/happy/shocked. This may not make any sense to most people. So many comments have been made about me being only 12 weeks when I lost the other baby, etc, but today as I sat and watched my ultrasound at 10 weeks it really occurred to me the depth of our loss. At a mere 10 weeks that baby danced, moved, and waved its little arm and leg buds. Its heart beat sounded loud and strong. It was life. And although that was reason to give a sigh of relief and reason to be grateful, it was also enough to remind me of the life that ended a few months ago. The entire time I was at my appointment, which lasted almost 3 hours, I wanted to just go in a room alone for a while and think. And process. And maybe even cry. There were so many emotions felt in such a short time. What if this harmed my bond with my baby? I didn’t ever think I could be one of those mothers who wasn’t madly in love with her newborn, but what if I was?? I can’t not love all my children the same! They all must be equally wanted. So much guilt. Talking to other women who have gone through things like this helps but I’m still worried.

But you know what…as much as I am worried, feeling guilty, or angry I am taken back to the first few weeks of my miscarriage. I am reminded of the flood of grace, love, strength, and peace God gave me. I always had a still voice telling me that he “had” this. He did it then and he’ll do it again. I truly believe that. The hurt got endurable. The pain eased. The anger faded. The fear lessened. And the sadness, well that will always be there, but knowing my maker is holding my baby and has blessed me with another one to walk along side me gives me hope. Something that this lost world needs.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

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